I'm Not Emotional...AM I?

In the tradition of "TBT" this is a old piece of mine from 2012

I'm Not Emotional...AM I?

I was inspired to write this. Its an extension of a piece that I read about Anger....

I had to come home early from work today because Jaz was sick and Mike had to work so he couldn't stay home today. As soon as the phone rang and I saw the 816 number, my mind started racing. I already knew that Jaz was sick before she went to school but for some reason I always get extremely emotional, almost ready to cry when I know something is wrong with my baby.

So that made me think on my way to the school about other things that I get overly emotional about. Ok so Im watching like Law and Order or something and I know that someone is going to die.  I get teary eyed like I know them personally. Almost like I had been in the "about to die situation" lol. I've never been about to die or raped or anything of that fashion but it always strikes me as OMG why is this happening to them.

Even at work...I was in a discussion with one of my co-workers about something to do with an assignment of mortgage. I understood what he was saying but I insisted that my theory was correct. I could actually feel myself shaking inside and almost mad because someone had an opinion that wasn't the same as mine. Yes it is ok to disagree with me but I need you to agree with me also, and that wasn't happening. I was so upset about it that I refused to talk to my co-worker for the rest of the day. WHY?? 

I don't feel as though I am an emotional person but I feel like I get a little more emotional than others would. I dont think its a bad thing but sometimes I feel as though I am a little weaker than others. Sometimes I do wish that I could have a thicker skin. I can take the punches but the backlash is a killer. I go in a little harder with my emotions and some people actually have hurt feelings when i get done but that is never my intention. Some may even call it overreaction or even anxiety, which in some ways I can agree with that. But I think it's more passion than anything.

Ok so let's break this down...

One of the definitions of emotion according to Webster's that I want to focus on is:

a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body. That's me! I shake, I cry and I'm ready to fight.

Do I need counseling? Anger management maybe? But why hold it in? Is this normal? Do I need to show this kind of emotion when I don't agree with something or someone? Do I need to cry when I watch Law and Order or anything sad for that matter?

But I just cant imagine not being able to show emotion. If you're not an emotional person you wouldn't know what I mean. I know some emotionless people and it is just scary. I mean, to keep the same tone and a straight face when the other person is losing it is just out of the ordinary, weird, unhealthy even. I have been in aruguments with people and they just keep the same tone and express no real EMOTION which does nothing but proke that intense angry feeling from me. And then they say "why are you getting all serious and loud". Why do you think?? Because you dont show that you care as much as I do. I have even seen people in relationships where one person is very loving and the other just shows no feeling towards. I cant read their minds but body language says it all. No smile, not a hint of emotion! I mean when my dude gets two inches away from me and I know he's about to touch me I get all squishy and you can see it!

Without emotion, how can you express love? How can you have sex without emotion? How can you hug someone with no emotion? How can you express gratitude? Show sympathy? My dad is not very emotional.  He gave me a hug one day and I didn't know how to react to that LOL. I'm not mad that my dad isnt emotional but I tell you what...when he is arguing with his brothers he shows A LOT of passion. Especially when he starts talking about when he played with the Ohio Players (its not true). Or when he won the NYS Scrabble Championship (Whats that??). Without emotion, how can you truly express how you feel about something? Its almost like exercising and not breaking a sweat. Whats the point of doing it and I dont feel like I'm doing anything? Sex is the same way. Yeah we've all faked it a few times just to get it over with but there are people that do it ALL THE TIME. How is this possible???? Even when you don't feel like it you know it feels good so why fake like you don't want it?

Now I also looked up the definition of passionate and there were three parts: 

• easily aroused to anger
• capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling.
• swayed by or affected with sexual desire

I need to break this down. I don't agree with the first definition because you can easily be aroused to tears and tears dont always mean anger. I am often aroused to tears.

The third one is self explanatory but is also connected to emotion. You cannot have passion without emotion, bottom line. I know women that have said "girl I only have sex with him to shut him up" or "girl I needed my rent paid". But as a woman  to say that you had no emotional connection to this man and that you only had sex to make him shut up or get some quick money, is so untruthful. You started having sex with him before so there was at some point an emotional connection and there was some passion at one point. And not to get raunchy, but he got in in there somehow so you were aroused enough for him to make "the motion in the ocean". Women are more EMOTIONALLY attached when it comes to sex and feel more PASSIONATE about the relationship. I have never believed a woman that says that. If you're only doing it for rent or just because then YOUS A HOE (Ludacris voice) or you are a prostitute . I don't believe it because if he were to leave and say "look I cant do this anymore", you as an EMOTIONAL woman is going to be offended and bust the windows on his car. I've seen it happen plenty of times. So don't say that you only needed your rent paid or for him to shut up because that emotion and passion are all going to come out eventually, especially when he says that its not right.

The second definition is most important because it is directly connected to emotion. Intense feelings...strong feelings. When you are passionate about something you express you passion by showing different types of emotions. I love to teach when I am at work. I get a feeling inside of me that is unexplainable. To be able to teach someone something that they didnt know the day before and knowing that I taught them this new knowledge makes me emotional. I am passionate about helping someone understand things. Without emotion, there is no passion. 

To me emotion is an important part of life. Its an important part of mental health and stability. I know people go through things in life that have enabled them to turn the emotion off and on, but its not cool. You need to be able to express that emotion to relieve the stress. 15-30% of heart attacks are stress related. Why risk death when you can let that emotion free? Whether its crying or just screaming out loud, letting out your pure emotion will help you in love and life.

The Law: 2 --> The People: 0

It's been a week and a half since the Zimmerman verdict. I have attended 2 rallys, had several discussions, read numerous stories online and watched just about every Rachel Jeantel, Robert Zimmerman and juror B37 interview. I have had a roller coaster of feelings as a citizen and as a parent.

But in the back of my mind, another story has been nagging at me. The story of a woman by the name of Marissa Alexander who was sentenced to 20 years for firing warning shots to get her abusive husband away from her.  Mind you he tried to strangle her over a text message. This happened in the lovely stand your ground state of Florida.

Am I crazy or was this woman standing her ground? Now I have gotten into a debate with a man who is very difficult to argue with on what the law actually is. Well here is the law courtesy of Wikipedia:

A stand-your-ground law is a type of self-defense law that gives individuals the right to use reasonable force to defend themselves without any requirement to evade or retreat from a dangerous situation.

And the precedent:

The Supreme Court of the United States ruled in Beard v. U.S. (158 U.S. 550 (1895)) that a man who was "on his premises" when he came under attack and "...did not provoke the assault, and had at the time reasonable grounds to believe, and in good faith believed, that the deceased intended to take his life, or do him great bodily harm...was not obliged to retreat, nor to consider whether he could safely retreat, but was entitled to stand his ground."



When I read the story and then I read this, i couldn't understand why she was not given the same acquittal that Zimmerman got. Now what I am hearing is that because she shot those rounds through a wall, she endangered other people. Then allegedly she went back into the house after leaving the house which pretty much voids the fact that she was in danger according to the courts.

She rejected the 3 year sentence (plea deal) because she didn't believe that she did anything wrong. And believe it or not, the jury decided in 15 minutes that she was guilty of aggravated assault.

Now THIS is just outrage! We're talking about a woman who was beaten by a man, she has no priors AND she didn't KILL anyone. Now I understand that different states work in different ways as far as the law is concerned but what law were they looking at when they handed this sentence down? Was she just supposed to stand there and take the beating. This woman had just given birth to a baby 9 days before this incident. Did she really have any clue that she would be going to jail for 20 years for defending herself?

This angers me. A new precedent has been set. 1/3 of the women in the United States have either been in or are currently in abusive relationships. After this case, who is going to want to try and get out? The abusers have turned into the victims and the real victims are now being victimized by the state. Women have been told to fight back, take a stand. For what now? To possibly get jail time so that the abuser can walk the streets?


Discouraging. Not only for women who have to endure abuse and were thinking about finally getting out, but it is another major calamity in the judicial system. Why should we depend on these man made laws for justice? Why is Zimmerman walking free and Ms. Alexander in prison? Zimmerman, the vigilante, Wyatt Earp, broke all the rules. Shot an unarmed boy, didn't even identify himself before doing so, just shot and didn't ask questions. Ms Alexander was trying to avoid a beating while her children were in the house. And she had a protective order against him! Whats wrong here??

Domestic abuse is an issue. Whether it is against women or men it's wrong. The court did not see that. They saw a woman with a gun that was reckless.  Not a battered, afraid wife that was afraid for her life and did whatever it took to get away. The law didnt apply here. Someone had something against that woman for what she did. Or someone had their own agenda. 

At the Justice for Trayvon Rally, one of the speakers encouraged us to write to the POTUS and ask him to pardon Ms. Alexander. i will be writing an email to Mr. Obama. If stand your ground didn't work for her, it shouldn't work for anyone. The law must go! 

To Ms. Alexander I say God bless you for standing up to your abuser. 

The Verdict is In...

So it has been nearly a week since the big announcement...GEORGE ZIMMERMAN NOT GUILTY. Several words can describe how I felt at that time: sad, outRAGED, discouraged, sympathy, angry. I literally nearly hyperventilated when I saw that on TV.

The next day there was a peaceful protest in my neighborhood to express the anger amongst the community. Not only because of the verdict but also because of the several underlying issues that are happening in the City of Buffalo. I decided to join that protest. I normally don't participate in the front lines of those types of events but something inside of me felt for Trayvon's family and so many of the other families that have lost loved ones to senseless violence. Something pushed me to get out there and show my support. My 10 year old daughter felt the same and went out with me in the unbearable heat.

It was an uplifting and spiritual experience. I have never participated in such an event. At first there weren't many people but as the minutes went by, the crowd grew to almost 100 people. Not just black folks, ALL types of folks. Not only did the crowd grow, the chants grew louder, hearts grew bigger and minds came together for a single cause. People that you would never expect to care were there. We walked and chanted in unison. We were one.

The crowd gathered in an empty lot which coincidentally was Seneca Nation land. I heard stories of police brutality, wrongful incarceration, voices of encouragement and wisdom far beyond my own years. I was enlightened. At one point my eyes began to fill with tears because I could not believe that we were all standing together in unity. No fighting, just peace.

That night I logged onto FB to see if i could see myself on the news and I did lol. I scrolled down to read the nearly 400 comments under the story and I was enraged! So many people making negative comments.

"These people are stupid. What is marching going to do?", 

"Isn't it interesting that Blacks always band together to demonstrate when a White person is found Not Guilty" 


"They need to go home"


 "It must be nice to have so much time on your hands from not working that you can

 protest alleged racism between minorities...."

There was even a woman that went on to call black people 
"colored". This case may not have so much about race but this 
protest really brought the racists out the woodwork. I shouldn't have been surprised but unfortunately I was. I was so angry that I began commenting which I don't normally do on news stories. And they wouldn't listen. They kept on with their racist comments so I kept it moving. It wasn't worth trying to explain to  people that I'll never see in my lifetime that this protest wasn't just about that. I didn't have the energy to bring to their attention the Stop the Violence Coalition, The Street Council, Fight the Power or Buffalo Save the Kids. All of these movements that were around before the verdict. How could they say that no one cared until now??


Monday I went to work and no one spoke of the case, not a peep. not even in passing in the hallways. Not in the cafeteria. It was strange. There was no one available for me to discuss my great experience with. I didn't want to being it up because I know how these discussions can get in the workplace. I just mentioned to one of my co-workers what i did. I told them how I felt after the march and all they said was "oh ok". I was ok with that. I'm not a good person to get into a discussion with anyway.

So now it's Thursday and the outraged FB comments are dwindling down. Was it heat of the moment or are people really going to contribute to the solution of the issues in Buffalo? There's more meetings and more rallies but are those same people going to be there? I cant say that I'm going to be at every meeting and every rally but any effort counts for something. This is keeping me intrigued. 

What is the solution? How can we fight the issues? How can we stop another Martin/Zimmerman tragedy from happening? Where do we start? You start at home. Talk to you children. Hell, talk to these ADULTS. The respect level in the county is at an all time low. The street mentality and the idea of vigilantism is taking over the minds of adults young and old. Zimmerman was a grown man and obviously forgot the value of HUMAN life. There are many roads that could have been chosen to avoid a fatal situation. Many people that exhibit violent behavior forget the value of human life. HUMAN BEINGS are being killed by other HUMAN BEINGS. The only time that this should happen is if there is a WAR. We're in a state of emergency and apparently at war. At war with ourselves. 

As I sit here and write this, I have the news playing in the background and there has been another shooting. Obviously there was no wake up call. No epiphany. No change of heart. Guns are still on the street. People still don't care.  I don't want to be afraid for my children's lives when they cross the street to go to the corner store. Black, white or brown, any mother in their right mind should be upset about a dead 17 year old unarmed child. We blame the jury, we should not.  They were chosen to do a job and they did the job based on the evidence that they were given. The Florida laws are to blame. There is no stand your ground in NY so who is to blame for the violence right in our own backyard? Discussions are necessary. We need to not be afraid to speak out. We need to not be afraid to get out into the streets and ask these questions. Maybe we should go to the prisons and ask them WHY. Walk up to the the guys on the corners and ask them WHY. Walk up to the politicians and ask them WHY. Walk into the Police station and ask them WHY.

It's time to stand up people. All people of all races come together. Let's make the country safe for ALL people of ALL colors and genders. We can't fix everybody but even the smallest change makes a difference.